We
all fear death. We know that it is something that we must one-day
face. And yet we avoid thinking about it. We run from it. We push
it aside when it brushes past us. When forced to face it we search
frantically for a crutch to help us understand and accept it. That
crutch is usually some form of religion or self-discovery. The answers
that come to us are very personal. I will not pretend to have them.
But I can share a few thoughts.
I
believe that my fear of death is caused by my attachments to this
world. I fear losing what I have and I fear not knowing what happens
after I die. The 'I' that I speak of is the ego. The ego is the
set of thoughts and ideas that make up my current personality. This
personality has been formed in this lifetime from my samskaras and
from my interactions with other people. It identifies directly with
this physical body that is its home. But it knows that there is
no place for it in my next life. It knows that it will be replaced
by a new ego. So it is natural for it to fear the dissolution that
physical death will bring.
But
is this who I am? Is this all that exists? This is the question
that has troubled spiritual seekers from time immemorial. Who am
I? I am an awareness field that has taken temporary residence in
this body. I am not this bundle of thoughts and ideas. Nor am I
the skin and bones of this body. I believe that most people who
study Buddhism understand this idea.
But
understanding this concept does not solve the problem. The ego is
a set of ideas that help us to survive in the physical world. We
listen to it constantly as it tells us how to be. It has been our
friend for our entire life. It is our trusted advisor. But it is
not who we are. When we use it as an advisor we are allowing its
fears and desires to control us even though they may not apply to
us. So if we want to become enlightened and overcome the ego's fear
of death then it is necessary to dissolve the ego.
This
is done by meditation where we stop the thoughts of the ego and
allow the awareness field to experience life directly. But therein
lies the rub, because to the ego dissolution and death are the same.
In order to preserve itself, the ego will resist whatever attempts
we make to dissolve it through meditation and self-discovery. Our
trusted advisor will use anything at its disposal to prevent us
from making progress in this regard. This is why it is so easy to
become confused and to convince ourselves that we are making progress
toward enlightenment when in fact we are going in circles. And this
is why a teacher is so important.
The
teacher will show us the pathway and help us to get on it. When
our ego leads us astray he can point out the mistake and show us
the way back. But he cannot do the work for us. The teacher leads
and the students must follow along as best as they may. The ego
in turn will do its best to knock us off the path. It will use fear
and desire to try to confuse us and then once off the path it will
use pride and anger to prevent us from accepting our mistake. Our
only option is to admit that we have screwed up and seek out the
pathway again. This is sometimes a terribly difficult thing to do
because the ego by its very nature does not like to admit that it
is wrong.
That
is where balance comes in. Balance is the ability to be happy and
to proceed through life on an even keel. It is the ability to accept
our mistakes and to get back on the pathway. It is the ability to
keep from becoming angry or frustrated when we get swept up in the
ego's plots.
So
whether we like it or not, the fear of death seems to play a major
role in our practice of Buddhism. This I believe is why Rama directed
us to take on our fears and learn to overcome them. It's not necessary
to take them on all at once or to tackle the big ones first. Rather,
it seems to be best to start with small ones and work our way up.
This allows us to gain confidence and to develop a pattern of success.
One day then, after many, many fears have been overcome we will
stand at the doorway to enlightenment and hear that last little
shred of ego begging us to turn back. We will feel its fear of death
but we will not be deterred. Of course, then it will hit us with
the desire for tantric sex... But that's another topic.
