Brahma Dung Ananda

Greetings O' Most Holy of Holies,
Shining and Blissed-out Bovine Anal Excrement,
Glowing Pearl of the Lotus
(I hope that's adequate).

Great Gooru, As a student of the mystical, sophistically and illogistical, from a distant and far-out land, I was wondering if you would lend me your thoughts on the subject of love. I mean, there's love, that divine stuff and that's pretty easy to cope with. Just be disgustingly nice to people, right ... speak only well of them ... and think only bright and positive thoughts about them (unless of course they really seriously piss you off, in which case affirmative action may be required ... to prevent them from making such a serious karmic error a second time).

But what about LOVE? The kind that gets the old kundalini murderously motivated, with tidal surges of hormones and a total mindlessness not unlike Zen. How does one deal spiritually with this very tantric (I think that should be frantic) and earthy desire
(dare I say ... Lust!)?

B'nana Rama Down-unda

PS: Cold showers don't work!

PPS: Friends just call me Nana

Dear Down-unda Nana

I did like the etiquette that you used in addressing me, but why the Gooru with nothing else. Remember that one should always refer to some essence of my greatness when addressing me. As for Gooru. My but I am impressed with your knowledge of spiritual phrases! I remember my beloved teacher once stepping into a cow pie and uttering this holy word! I never really completely fathomed it's meaning, but was told later that my laughter at this event led in some mysterious way to my spiritual name!

Now down to the business of Love.

I personally do not have the issues that you have due to the exalted state of my advanced spiritual state. As a matter of fact, I have been celibate ever since I was fired from my job as a Yugo Salesman, quit bathing and using deodorant and embarked upon my spiritual pathway. Women have noticed and respected my spiritual purity. It's funny, every time they get within five feet of me they have this look of shock and turn and walk away!

Your approach to love and the world is almost exactly like mine!
Have you ever lived on Venice Beach?

As for LOVE? You described it as the kind that gets the old kundalini murderously motivated, with tidal surges of hormones and a total mindlessness? I must confess that I too have these surges of Kundalini. Particularly when I'm around the Webmistress. Boy, is she a babe or what! I have tried to interest her in some one on one meditations and entice her with my promises of a hands on shakti initiation, but she only turns away and mutters the name of that great teacher Jesus Christ with a great deal of pranna.

I will now describe an ancient tantric practice that has been hidden from the world until today. When these waves start rolling over you, I recommend the technique of retreating to the rest room and quietly meditating on your root chakra using the appropriate mudras until the dakinis of delight release you of all desires. Warning! Practicing this technique in public places can get you arrested!

Brahma Dung Ananda has spoken!