Brahma Dung Ananda

Oh Great Master of Assholes, Seer of the excrement of life, God of the "under" world, please tell me when you, in all of your stench and humility, realized that you were a fully enlightenment being? How could you, with all due respect, make this kind of a statement regarding yourself, your ass holiness?

Your humble servant, Low Flush

Dear Flushing Low, I can't recall when I have been greeted in a most wonderful manner. In all truth, I do prefer to be greeted with words such as "Avatar, Great Bearer of Truth and Eternal Light, Holiest of Holies"... But Seer of the excrement of life has a nice ring to it too.

In fact, your greeting reminded me of my experiences with my Teacher. He was a great Hindoo teacher. I was always following him around and I believe that I was one of his favorites. He was always calling my name in either a loud voice or during one of his periods of ecstasy when he would point to me and his servants would all enter into the beloved state of laughter and bliss that he was in. In fact, it was during these times when he referred to me in many of the terms that were in your greeting to me!

Humm... Did you ever meet my Teacher? That would surely explain how you know those ways of greeting me.

My enlightenment happened on a hot and humid summer afternoon. Seeing how hot and uncomfortable my Teacher was as he was sitting to meditate, I took it upon myself to care for his comfort. I went and gathered up a bucket of water from the holy river. With all the love in my heart, I doused my hot and sweaty Guru.

This caused an immediate awakening in him and upon laying his loving eyes on me, ran up to me (a real act of Siddha power since he was very old and crippled) and took his cane and, in the manner of the great Zen Masters, gave me two sharp blows on each shoulder. He was invoking the powers of all of the gods and praying, almost screaming, in Hindoo. I couldn't understand the powerful words that he was using, but the power from the blows caused me to see the most brilliant white light! Then he struck me with more forceful blows to my third eye and crown chakra which sent me immediately into Nirvakalpa Samadhi!

I don't remember much except that I awoke on a fertilizer freighter headed for several third world countries. Finally I arrived in California where I am spreading the Dharma. My experience in advanced enlightenment was obviously recognized by my teacher, for it was his disciples who put me on that ship while I was still in samadhi. It was his way of telling me that I had out grown him and it was time for me to spread my wings!

I am Brahma Dung Ananda and I have spoken!