|
Message |
| Posted By: |
UT |
| Response to: |
Telling Stories Around The Campfire,
Posted by: UT |
| Date: |
27-Aug-2005-15:10:03 |
| Subject: |
The Church of the Last Word |
This one is definitely more of a rant. :-)
I was down the street at the Café Roussillion this morning, sitting there writing in my Journal over coffee, pondering the common denominator of many of the conversations I'd read on spiritual newsgroups the last week or so, and I found myself kinda channeling the imaginary prophet of this New Age mode of conversation, as interviewed by John Cleese.
This is the result. Enjoy. Please do NOT consider this a commentary on Ramalila, or on this Message Board. Both are remarkable oases in the desert of Internet spiritual conversation in this regard. It's just me venting about a couple of other forums on which some of the participants are clearly members of Reverend Recht's flock.
Amen.
*******************************************************
The Church of the Last Word
BBC Announcer: We're here today with Reverend Josephus
Recht, founder of the new church that's been in the news
so much lately. It's called the Church of the Last Word
and it's supposedly the hottest thing on the spiritual
circuit in America right now, attracting followers from
coast to coast. I want to thank you for being here with
us today via telephone, Reverend Recht.
Josephus Recht: My pleasure. Literally. In the Church
of the Last Word, we *live* to have conversations with
other seekers about enlightenment and tell them how they
can realize it in this lifetime.
BBC: Well, Reverend Recht...
JR: Josephus. But you can call me Joe...everybody does.
And your name is?
BBC: Dave.
JR: Good to meet you, Dave. And what exactly is your
question about enlightenment?
BBC: Well...uh...Joe, this is just an interview for a
British radio series on modern spiritual trends called
This Week's Kook. It's not as if this were really a
conversation about enlightenment or as if I were a
seeker begging you to tell me the true path to enlight-
enment or anything. I'm here to ask you some tough
questions so that our listeners can laugh at you and
feel superior to someone, anyone.
JR: Dave, the first thing you learn in the Church of
the Last Word is that every conversation is really about
enlightenment, and that every person who engages you in
conversation is really a seeker begging you to tell them
the true path to enlightenment. The second thing you
learn is to not mind if people laugh at you.
BBC: You don't mind it when skeptics laugh at you?
JR: No, not at all, Dave. It doesn't bother us in the
least. The laughter passes through us like a stick
drawing a line in water. There is no line left after
its passing, only water, as it was before. The laughter
never touches us, because we know the Truth.
BBC: Ah. The Truth. That gets us to the heart of the
matter, Joe. What exactly is it that the Church of the
Last Word teaches? What accounts for your phenomenal
success, and for the hundreds of thousands of people
converting to your faith?
JR: Millions of people, Dave. We just passed the "six
million served" mark. We're thinking of using a pair of
golden arches as our logo instead of the cross.
BBC: You're joking. About the arches, that is.
JR: I'm joking. We haven't gotten to the real teaching
yet, Dave. Here it is, in a nutshell. We of the Church
of the Last Word believe that the first and only noble
Truth in life, the one that will lead you most quickly
to enlightenment, is that the most important thing in
life is to have the Last Word in every conversation.
BBC: Yes?
JR: Amen.
BBC: What?
JR: Amen. Thank you for the interview.
BBC: The interview's not over. Our time is limited,
but we're just getting started. I asked you to explain
further about your statement that the most important
thing in life is to have the last word in every
conversation.
JR: But you said, "Yes." I thought that you were
agreeing with me, and that that was the end of the
interview. So I said, "Amen."
BBC: When I said, "Yes," you automatically assumed I
was agreeing with what you said?
JR: Well, "Yes" is a common form of agreement, isn't
it?
BBC: In Britain, it's also the way one says, in mid-
interview, "Go on...explain further."
JR: Oh. So you wanted me to explain further?
BBC: Yes.
JR: Are you agreeing with me this time or asking me
to explain further?
BBC: Go on, please.
JR: Well, Dave, let me explain by engaging you in a
bit of dialogue from the catechism of the Church of
the Last Word. I pose the questions, and you answer.
Ok?
BBC: I guess.
JR: Ok. Here's the first verse of the catechism:
"Assuming that there is a God, when you die, who is
going to have the Last Word as to whether you led a
meaningful and enlightened life -- you or God?"
BBC: Uh...God?
JR: Very good, Dave. Amen. Next verse: "When our
Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross, were his holy
Last Words not, 'It is finished?'"
BBC: Uh...yes?
JR: Amen. You're really doing well so far, Dave.
BBC: I meant, "Go on."
JR: Oh. Well, wasn't Christ having pretty much the
ultimate Last Word there on the cross? Wasn't he
saying, in effect, "Having the Last Word is my final
and ultimate teaching" and that there was nothing more
to be said?
BBC: I guess that's one way of seeing it, yes.
JR: Amen.
BBC: >>sighs> No, go on.
JR: Dave -- and this isn't from the catechism, Dave,
this is just me -- when you die, and you're standing
in front of God, and He is about to pronounce the Last
Word on your life, He's going to ask you, "Did you
lead a right life?" How are you going to answer?
BBC: Well, assuming for the moment that such a
scenario actually takes place, I suppose I'm going
to say, "I don't know."
JR: Exactly. And therein lies the problem, Dave.
God is essentially asking you, by inquiring whether
you felt your life was right, whether you have
realized your enlightenment. Because as we all know,
enlightenment is about self acceptance, realizing
that there has never been a moment in your life in
which you were not enlightened, and that therefore
there has never been a moment when you were not right.
BBC: We all know this?
JR: You know it intuitively, Dave. And you will
know it experientially -- as an all-time reality and
as the ultimate Truth of life -- when you realize
your enlightenment.
BBC: If you say so. Let's move on. What would you
say to those who call your church just another New
Age cult?
JR: I would say that the Church of the Last Word is
definitely NOT just another New Age cult. We are the
*ultimate* New Age cult, Dave. We are the best. No
question about it. By definition we always have the
Last Word on everything. Our followers, once they
have realized the Truth in their own lives and practice
our teachings, always have the Last Word on everything.
What other cult or mainstream religion can compete with
that?
BBC: Most of them, actually, as our radio series should
prove.
JR: Ah, but when you interview teachers from these
other cults on your radio show, who gets the Last Word
in the discussion?
BBC: Uh...I do, actually. That's one of the perks of
being the interviewer in an interview situation.
JR: Oh. That's a point to consider. But in a normal
conversation, one party usually has the Last Word in
the debate -- assuming they're arguing about who knows
the Truth and who doesn't, right?
BBC: Yes. I mean, go on.
JR: Well, the teaching of the Church of the Last Word
is that whoever has the Last Word wins the debate.
Therefore, if any of these other New Age cults were to
engage in a debate with us over which is the best New
Age cult, we'd win, because we'd have the Last Word.
Therefore, we are the best New Age cult.
BBC: How can a member of the Church of the Last Word
*know* that they'd always have the Last Word in such
a situation?
JR: Good question. They'd know because they would
be practicing the patented Last Word Technique.
BBC: I couldn't help but notice that you used the
word 'patented' there, Joe. Are you telling me that
the Church of the Last Word has actually secured a
patent on having the last word in a conversation?
JR: No, Dave, that would be ridiculous. What
we've done is secured a trademark on the term Last
Word Technique, and on its abbreviation, LWT. Those
are the official names of the techniques taught by
the Church of the Last Word.
BBC: Do you charge for these techniques?
JR: No, we teach them for free. I realized, back
when I founded the Church of the Last Word, that
people were so desperate for the Truth and for
the fastest path to enlightenment that they would
be willing to pay almost anything for it. Heck, I
could have charged three thousand dollars for the
Last Word Technique if I'd wanted to. But I decided
that the enlightenment of mankind was more important
than making a quick buck, so I decided to teach LWT
for free. And go figure...I made a bundle anyway,
just by selling the movie rights to my autobiography,
"Be Right, Right Now."
BBC: I'll bet. So tell us about LWT, Joe. Since
you teach it for free, enlighten us as to the secrets
of the Last Word Technique here on this show.
JR: Happy to, Dave. The basic tenet of the Last
Word Technique -- as with many great spiritual
teachings -- is short and to the point: "No matter
what, always have the Last Word in every conversation."
BBC: That's it? That's LWT?
JR: Elegant in its simplicity, isn't it, Dave?
BBC: Elegant was not the first word that sprang to
my mind.
JR: Ah, but it is, Dave. It's the whole secret of
enlightenment, encapsulated in eleven short words.
Another way of saying it -- and another of the basic
tenets of LWT -- is, "When you're right, you're
right...why not end on that note?"
BBC: And being right is important?
JR: Of course it's important, Dave. Remember that
conversation with God you're going to have one day?
He's going to ask if you led a right life. The
easiest way to prepare for answering that question
is to have always been right, at every moment of
your life. If you stand before Him confident that
you have always had the Last Word, in every
conversation you have ever had, then you can be
confident that you have always been right, and
thus answer His question the way God is hoping
you will, with a hearty "Yes."
BBC: Yes?
JR: Amen.
BBC: I meant, go on.
JR: Oh. Ok. God is hoping you'll say "Yes"
because that will mean that you led an enlightened
life. For as we know, the enlightened are always
right.
BBC: We know that?
JR: Have you ever met a person who claimed they
were enlightened who didn't feel that they were
right about everything?
BBC: Now that you mention it, no.
JR: I rest my case.
BBC: Ok. Whatever. Let's move on...are there any
practical benefits for the practitioner of the Last
Word Technique?
JR: Many, Dave. Many.
BBC: Could you tell us about them?
JR: Well, the first is that it makes conversation
much, much less tiring and thus more efficient. You
don't actually have to listen to what the other
person is saying.
BBC: You don't?
JR: Not at all. If you already know that you are
right, and that you know the Truth, what's the point
of listening to what the other guy is saying? Total
waste of time, unless he's agreeing with you by
saying "Yes." Another of the tenets of LWT is,
"Every question is a perfect opportunity for the
answer we have already prepared." If you already
know the Truth, and are prepared to speak it no
matter what the other person says, why bother to
actually listen to what he is saying? You're going
to go on saying what you've been saying all along
anyway, right? Because it's the Truth. This
approach to conversation is far less tiring than
actually having to listen to what the other person
is saying. It's a much more efficient and evolved
mode of conversation than the way unenlightened
people practice it. In the Church of the Last Word,
we refer to having mastered this mode of conversation
as CC.
BBC: CC?
JR: Cosmic conversation.
BBC: I see. Is CC synonymous with what most people
call enlightenment?
JR: Absolutely. We teach that you can recognize a
person in CC by the way they handle their everyday
conversations. If they conduct themselves as if they
are always right, and always manage to have the Last
Word in every conversation, you can pretty much bet
your booty that they are enlightened.
BBC: That's certainly an interesting definition of
enlightenment, and I'd like to go into it further,
but I notice we're running short on time, so I only
have time for one last question. Here it is -- is
there any truth to the rumours in the press that part
of the LWT initiation ceremony involves having sex
with underage ferrets?
JR: CC is the doorway to enlightenment, Dave. After
you practice LWT for some time, and begin to realize
that you are right about everything, and that the
only appropriate answer to anything you say is a
hearty "Yes," it can trigger in you the realization
that you have always been right about everything.
And that is the moment of enlightenment, of your
liberation.
BBC: And the ferrets?
JR: The key to enlightenment is being right about
everything. And the way to be right about everything
is to always have the Last Word. Millions have
discovered the simple secret of this eternal wisdom.
BBC: Hmmm. Well, I would pursue this further, but
I can see that it would be of no real use. Also,
I've noticed that we're out of time. So I'd like
to thank Joe -- Reverend Josephus Recht -- for being
here with us this morning, and...uh...enlightening
us about his organization, the Church of the Last
Word. This is Dave Snaughthhere, host of This Week's
Kook, signing off. See you next week, yes?
JR: Amen.
BBC: Uh...Joe...that was my signoff. We're out of
time. I always end the show this way. It's sort
of my signature line. I thank the guest and say,
"See you next week, yes?"
JR: Oh. I see.
BBC: This is Dave Snaughthhere, host of This Week's
Kook, signing off. See you next week, yes?
JR: Amen.
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