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Message |
| Posted By: |
mlurtsema |
| Date: |
19-Dec-2003-18:35:30 |
| Subject: |
Now You Know |
A few people have asked why I decided to go public back in 1990. I know my reasons are not satisfying...certainly not as satisfying or belief affirming as if I fell on a sword.
I wish I could fall on a sword, but I cannot. I did what I felt had to be done, and nothing that has happened since then makes me believe I did the wrong thing.
Perhaps it will turn out that I was wrong, and truly did interfere with the enlightenment process. If that is the case, it may be true as some of you have indicated, that I will have to suffer torment in some Chinese or Tibetan hell. Only I have no fear of life or death or hell. If I must go to hell, I will have the opportunity to teach dharma to my fellow hell-beings, like I have had opportunities to teach dharma to my fellow earth-beings.
For the record, I was young when I left your group, and was far from having worked it all out...still haven't...but my heart was and is in the right place. I have always wished all of you well. I always wished Rama well, even though he pissed me off.
He and I worked it out--he forgave me for any harm I may have caused him--and I forgave him for any harm that he may have caused me. I don't agree with everything that happened--I don't know what enlightened means so I cannot attribute that label to him--but I do know that my interactions with him were challenging, spectacular, life threatening, and life affirming. He pointed me toward a direction I had never considered and I thank him for that.
I hope by being as honest I can be, that you have had the opportunity to work out any animus you may have toward me--even if you don't like what I have to say, or believe it, or want to hear it. I suspect in some cases, considering the worldview I have presented threatens things you cherish. I hope so. I know it pisses a few of you off.
Anyway, this is long-winded--but not a group kiss-off. I had a dream last night that indicated that it was time for me to go to another car on the train--the snack car actually. I need some peanut M&Ms and a diet coke.
I wish you all well on your journey.
So long and thanks for the fish.
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